Interestingly enough, a few things have happened to me since my last post, which was only a single week ago...

The first thing that comes to mind is that I found out that my GPA did not turn out nearly where I thought it was going to fall. The sad thing is that my advisor at JBU told me in the middle of my senior year "Just don't let your GPA fall below a 3.5, Lorenzo." Alas, what do I do? I let just that happen. It has fallen down to a 3.38 and I just graduated so there's really no coming back unless I get a bunch of money somehow and go back and take some classes over. There were a few classes in which I got a grade that I felt like I didn't deserve. I felt as though I deserved a much higher one. This was one of those classes where the professor basically keeps your grade a secret until the end of the semester so there's no turning back. Kind of sucks. The passed 2 years have been so ridiculously stupid. Things seemingly fell apart all around me and I even lost a little bit of my sanity in the process. The last year was especially bad and it's obvious when you look at my grades from JBU. I hate that I do not look good on paper. It doesn't testify well to who I am, but those who look at applications and sift through those who are worthy of an interview and those who don't even need an interview to get into school I fall into that pile who don't even get a chance...I was looking through some information on a physical therapy school in Texas, and the average GPA for admitted students is 3.75, the average GRE score is 1100, and the average amount of physical therapy observation hours is 500 hours. What the heck am I supposed to do?!

I saw the product of a team lacking leadership once again lose a game that should not have been lost. The team looks incredible on paper, but when it comes to playing there are a couple of things that the team is lacking flow and leadership. This has made me think about my roots in ultimate. The Folding Beagles is the men's team from John Brown University. And from its inception it has been wishful thinking of its creator to establish an ultimate team at JBU that still maintains a high level of spirit while being highly competitive. I was given the privilege to be a captain of the team for three years. And it seems as though ever since then the team has undergone quite a transformation. Back when the club started, it was amazing. The individuals who played with the Folding Beagles were dedicated, athletic, and willing to work hard in order to get better and have fun at tournaments. Now it consists of a lot of individuals who do not breathe ultimate like the founders did. There are only a select few who could be considered ultimate players. This is not to the offense to the team, it's just what I see. It's very difficult to juggle a commitment like ultimate at JBU and keep good stature in the classroom. But there are so many that have done it in the past who have a much larger course load than others. I believe that it can be done, but it takes work that a lot of people aren't willing to do. Sadly, this has led the team down a path of self-destruction. That and the egos of people who don't give ultimate a second chance place the team on a sandy foundation. I know that it is no longer my formal responsibility any longer, but I still feel a pull to come back and not let the team continue down a path toward disintegration. I just hope that the few individuals who do not desire my assistance will be swayed by the desire of the rest of the team.

In other news, good news, I finished lessons for an online class that I am taking through LSU. My initial plan was to finish the classes before JBU commencement. But I didn't...so oh well. Tough titties. I still have the other class to finish and tests to take for both. Hopefully I can get those done before I start working for the summer.

Lately I have been riding my bike EVERYWHERE. I even rode my bike down to Springdale once for kicks and giggles, but yesterday I went out on my mountain bike and investigated my hometown. Bentonville has not really ever been much on recreation for its inhabitants. People never really desired to live in Bentonville, they just wanted to work in Bentonville. Wal-Mart increased the population of Bentonville by 10,000 from 8-5 every day. Things have gotten quite different lately though. Bentonville has undergone quite a bit of plastic surgery since I went to college. And it's amazing to see what has been added to the city in 4 years. For example: the square has been remodeled, a library and firestation have been added, we now have a locally owned and establish bike and outdoor store, great soccer fields, a whole new fairground facility, there are running trails everywhere through Bentonville, and now there is a spaghetti network of mountain bike trails running throughout the north side of the city. I realized yesterday that if I ever go anywhere. I will most certainly come back and raise my family here. There's so much here for families and I want my kids to grow up here too.

FIF

Throughout the last 4 years I've picked up on a few things that tend to like about myself. I guess it's a good practice to outline some things that you think are positive about yourself. I mean, just brief self-analysis can really open your eyes to a few things that can be changed/should be changed for the better. Or if you're a super-villain, they can be changed to help meet your goal of world domination. But I digress...Something that I like about myself is that fact that I'm so dang persistent when it comes to getting something that I really want. Once I've set my eyes on something, like really set my eyes on it, spare no expense/emotion/body part I'm going to get it. (note: "body part" was used mainly for dramatic effect...I wouldn't really lose a body part over something unless it was THAT important) Something else that goes along with this is my determination. Some could say that determination and persistence are the same thing. They're close, kind of like how the terms "saucy" and "sassy" are very closely related, but still different. Determination mainly comes from attempting to be good at something. If I need to be good at something in order to succeed, then I will make it happen. WE NEED FOCUS...starcraft? starcraft?

Alas, for every ying there is a yang; for every pro there's a con it seems. Something that I really don't like about myself is my covetous attitude. Things in life always seem so hard to obtain. Whether it be material, emotional, or even spiritual. It's a bad thing to sit, see, and desire. There are many people in my life whom I want to have the things or people or whatever that they have. Not okay. I mean, I really feel like I deserve the proverbial slap on the back of my hand for this one, but, hey, it's how I was designed...now the real question is why did this have to be one of my struggles? Another trait of my that I'm not a fan of is my tendency to be jealous...jealousy hangs out with covetry...too bad there are some commandments that speak against these things. Jealousy has plagued me ever since I can remember. And most of the time I can't even explain the emotion because it usually turns to anger and the anger turns into saddness and regret. It's a vicious cycle that only, like, a couple people have experienced first hand. I guess jealousy is definitely an umbrella emotion for me because it's covering a lot of bad mojo when it finally gets out. What's funny is that it spurs me to do stuff like write about it...wtf. I really wish I knew why this is such a problem for me. Why did it have to be this? Well, I've got lots of issues, but I still wish this wasn't one of them.

Aside from all of this emotional iniquity; however, there is something else that I have grown to like about myself. This is my ability to take initiative. Granted, this is usually only when I'm in an environment where I feel somewhat secure. (this needs work obviously) But I still like to take charge of things and be able to take care of people when they need it or when they need to be doing other things. The JBU women's ultimate Frisbee team earned the opportunity to go play in Appleton, WI, at D3 nationals--I'm not going to explain D3 go to www.upa.org and research yourself. Myself and another third party have taken it upon ourselves to handle all of the logistics for this tournament. A couple glitches here and there...okay may A LOT of glitches, but no big deal, we're getting it done. This brings me to my being a good team player...nuff said. "GET ON THE SAME PAGE!" That's where I like to be; even in the same edition.

Sandwiches. Love 'em.

The other day I was in Wal-Mart walking through the book aisle while I waited on some film to process and saw a copy of Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life. I recalled in high school how my cell group decided to participate in a study of the points of this book. Sadly, I did not commit to the actual study. I more or less sat there with my mind a complete blank while we talked about it, and I never did the reading...compared to who I am today, that was not my typical approach to intelectual study.

So, apparently I have some literature to cover this summer and beyond.

But this title "The Purpose Driven Life," started turning some gears in my head...because all it seems I do now is ponder things. This is what happens when you're alone and have free time. I wish I could do something like learn how to play the piano...So...you gonna teach me?

Back to my ponderings...I started thinking about life in general and how my parents live their lives. My mother's past is quite rich. I mean, she was born in the Phillipines--Manila to be exact--and she grew up speaking Tagalog and English in a part of town that was quite impoverished. She has told me stories about how the only way that she could ever watch anything short of news or media would be stand outside her neighbors' house and watch through their window. Unfortunately, once she was caught they would send her off running. She also told me about how her mother would send her and her sister off to the market a couple miles away by foot to purchase groceries for the family. More often than not, they would get their money stolen by jerks on the way to the market. I think one of the most intense stories that she has is about her walk home from school one afternoon with her friends. She and her friends were making their way home when a stray bullet from a drive by struck her in the left side of her mouth shattering her teeth and fracturing part of her facial bones. This particular accident happened when she was 16 and within the next 3 years, after dropping out of school, she came to the United States with my brother who was just a baby. Just her and my brother no job, little money, and a not very nice man to live with. She wed the man she and my brother lived with, had my sister, got a divorce, and once again was out on her own now with two kids and little money. And through a series of more sucky people and sucky times she made her way to Bentonville, AR, where she and my dad happened to get married and I popped out. Intense.

My dad has a little bit lighter of a story, but still full of stupid as it is. My dad was born in Missouri, and moved down to Texas at a early age in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. Where he grew up with parents who didn't know how to love on him and his sister (which he is very disconnected with). They would allow their dogs to run freely throughout the home while they did all kinds of gross things to my dad's bed and clothes. Real cool! But later in life--an experience no teenager should ever have--he was facing being taken away by social services because of his parents' awesome skills as parents. Then through a lengthy and difficult process he was separated from his biological parents and sister and found his way to Hiwasse, AR, to live with my grandma. She took him in, took care of him alongside the 9 other kids she had to care for. My dad never really had an awesome male role model or people around him to really encourage him to be all that he could ever be. Crazy.

What the heck does this have to do with "The Purpose Driven Life?" Well, I'll tell you. My mom and dad have had such retarded upbringings that it has caused them to be purely exhausted from life. They did not know what it meant to search for the aesthetics in life. They go to work every week at the same time in order to earn a pay check. My mom has raised three kids, my dad went through crap that nobody should really ever go through. And what do I do?! I sit and complain about how life sucks. Goodness...I do not see the true blessings that I have. My testimony is one of positive influence and nothing but obedience. I have not had a drug problem, alcohol problem, a criminal record...shoot, the most illegal thing I've done was keep my mouth shut about my friends stealing some crap for a closed gas station. My parents had purpose before they were married...at least what they perceived as purpose. My mom's purpose was to raise me, my brother, and my sister; make money, and be my dad's wife. My dad's purpose was to raise me, make money, build a home, and be my mom's husband. But now that they've done those things, they seem to be just living out life as a couple drones. This really breaks my heart. Because of the way that life has treated them, they missed important lessons. I just hope that those lessons can still be learned...it'll really help their emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Right now, I feel like I have no purpose. I know that sounds very sad and enough to motivate me to do something stupid. Don't worry, I don't plan on getting anyone pregnant and focusing my life to making money. I know there's something else. Something bigger. I know that my purpose can change from day to day or year by year. But right now it's very difficult to discern. The whole post-college thing is kind of intimidating. I need to embrace it as opportunity as opposed to just big pit of despair. But that's also difficult to do. Bummer. Maybe I just need to get into all kinds of trouble and stuff to feel like I've lived life. I don't know how that will pan out, I might not like it...curse my moral fibers...shoot, I couldn't ever go hunting for I would feel aweful after killing something. I'm useless. Oh well, we'll see life never comes with guarantees, but it sure does come a big manual that seems very obscure.

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank...

Today is Monday May 3, 2010, and I am 5 days away from graduating from my post-secondary undergraduate education. Wow! Right? The most common question that I face now is "What's next?" Honestly, I'm quite sick of hearing that question. At least try to spice it up "What are you doing this summer?" or perhaps "What would you like to be doing?" Quit asking me "What's next?"

Anyway, things around me seem to be falling apart all of the time. People call me a pessimistic realist...I can see that. I am quite negative quite often, but it's hard to stay positive when I feel like most of my life is nothing but a whole lot of dumb from a never-ending stream of stupid. I know, that was sad, but it's how I feel. My faith doesn't seem to be helping me either. Today for my final in Capstone Seminar in Christian Formation we had to separate into a bunch of small groups where had to describe small facets of our "Rule of Life"'s. What is a "Rule of Life?" You ask. Well, according to John Ortberg in his book The Life You've Always Wanted it's a way of attained a well-ordered heart to help focus your life on God and exemplifying him in everyday things.

We were asked to develop a rule of life where we broke down things that we would do daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly that would strengthen our faith.This was our Rule of Life. The hardest thing for me is that Christianity--or any religion for that matter--is soley based on faith. The concept of faith is such a huge thing on this world...it's big enough for people to kill each over it and yet it is not set in stone as to whether or not the things they are killing people over are really matter of fact and truth. Faith is the number one thing that is keeping me from living a life completey under the control of God. I cannot accept that I am not in control of my own destiny. It's incredibly difficult to take a laissez faire approach to life. How can we stand by and ask God to just "take the wheel?" I mean, if we just let life work its way around us aren't we going to eventually just going to break down? I understand that life requires work, but it also requires faith that God has a plan and he will see that plan to fulfillment. I wish that he wouldn't seem so distant or on his own clock. "God knows no concept of worldly time." I do! It'd be nice if I felt like that was taken into account. I just want to be taken care of. That's all that I really want. As soon as I have no reason to worry about a single thing in life, I will have so much joy I won't know what to do with it. I sense that will not happen until my heart stops beating...Wah wah wah

But until then FIF

One of the biggest things that I greatly despise about life is the idea of not really knowing what's around every  corner. You can only be prepared for what may lay ahead, but even sometimes you can't be prepared for everything. Another concept that plays into not knowing is simple indifference.

Indifference is a big part of my life. I'm not a fan of it. I can't make decisions for myself very well, and when I do I end up wanting to turn back on what I had made mind upon. The year is 2010 and I am about to leave my post-secondary education to A) Enter into graduate school to obtain a masters degree or a doctorate or B) Enter the workforce as a college grad with a Bachelor's degree in Sports Medicine from John Brown University... I know some say "that doesn't sound like a hard decision at all!" I really beg to differ. I have spent a lot of time analyzing the way that we live our lives. The tedious droning about in daily jobs with an objective of claiming our own amount of finances. And college just tends to be a way to walk down a path to obtain a higher level of finances for many people. I entered into college as a way to learn more about myself and figure where I wanted to "find myself in the next 5 years." I have come to find that I have learned plenty about myself--and I'm still learning--but it's mostly been negative. I found out that I am scared of commitment and I can't stand being alone. I am incredibly persistent once I set my sights on something, but when it comes to directing energy to large tasks I get really flaky. This whole grad school, career path thing is a huge example of my insecure, indifference. I have no idea if running off to grad school is what I want to do. I feel as though there's something else out there that beckons me, but I don't know what it is...and that sucks. As for now, I'm just going to roll down this grad school path and hopefully some light will be shed from somewhere and show me where I'm supposed to go.

So here I am in little JBU's J. Alvin. Everyone that lives here just loves the place. I like it here, except for the nasty smells that come dancing up into my cerebellum...typically the place doesn't smell too bad, but right now it kind of smells like a mixture of musty moldiness. Oh well.

What is it with guys when we conglomerate? We smell weird. Personally I don't add too much to the smell, I smell like fresh daisies on an April morning...that is, if daisies bloom in April. My guess is that they don't because I don't know anything about flowers.

FEBREZE!

Okay so you know that saying "Hindsight is always 20/20?" I guess that can only be applicable for when things happen or when things should have happened. Recently, well, more like, just a minute ago along with everyday since May I've thought about what it would have been like if something would have been different. What it would have been like if my girlfriend would have had to move into my home with me just so that she could attned community college here in my hometown. We have spent the whole summer apart because she had chosen to go back home to attend community college there where 1) it was cheaper and 2) she would be at home with her family. The relationship has grown so much stronger than what I thought it would do even though we have been far apart. So the question "What if she would have moved in?" will always be a what if question. It will never go answered. This has left me to realize that there are some decisions that you can never see how one could be more advantageous than another in all important aspects. Although we've come to a conclusion that we probably would not have grown as close this summer, we still don't know exactly what would have happen if she moved in with me.

Just something to think about how some questions will never go answered and both options are not always available.